The Day Jesus Called My Name

Chapter 1: Grace Discovered My journey is defined by one truth: I am saved by God's grace. With this understanding, I can connect each chapter of my life and better navigate my past, finding hope for my future. Jail renewed my relationship with Jesus. Though I believed in God, I never fully committed to His will or sought His presence until now. Chapter 2: Early Losses My struggles with addiction truly began after the tragic death of my little brother Tyler in 1997, who drowned at just 8 years old. Following his loss, I turned to alcohol, which initially made me feel better, stronger, and even invincible. Despite this, I managed for a while and became pregnant at 17, having my first child at 18. During my pregnancy, I did not drink. Following my first child's birth, I remained sober for a couple of months but began drinking again before becoming pregnant with my second child. I had my second at 19. A few months after her birth, I was introduced to drugs, mostly Meth, which quickly developed into an addiction as I started using intravenously. During this period, I broke up with their dad and moved in with my best friend. Eventually, this led to me losing my children to CPS, which left me devastated and heartbroken. Chapter 3: Searching for HealingTo get clean and reclaim my children, I moved back to Michigan. For years, I stayed clean after battling my demons. Everything changed when I separated from my kids’ father after 20 years together. I was a single working mom for the first time. In turn, I ended up seeking love and acceptance in all the wrong places. Chapter 4: The Depths of Addiction I soon entered an abusive relationship and returned to substance use. I started with cocaine and heavy drinking, which escalated to meth. By 2018, I was lost and suicidal. In 2021, I lost my baby sister and best friend to suicide. These losses deepened my addiction as I tried to numb the pain. The pain I felt was so incredibly mindblowing and numbing that sometimes it was hard to breathe, let alone smile or laugh. In my head, I thought that if they weren't here to laugh or smile, I felt insanely guilty if I even thought about it. It took me forever to actually smile again...Chapter 5: Jail and the Turning Point This downward spiral continued until October 2022, when I was pulled over and sent to jail for possession and contraband. At first, I was consumed by anger and depression and didn’t realize this could be a blessing in disguise. God had been knocking on my heart for a long time, but I had ignored Him. While I was in jail, I saw some horrible and painful news on TV, not realizing it concerned my little brother. Shortly afterward, an officer pulled me into a private room and told me my 18-year-old little brother, Trevor Kyle Nilson (BooBoo), had been killed by a drunk driver. Immediately, my head and heart turned to God. I went back to my cell, got on my knees, and began praying for my loved ones and myself. Chapter 6: Finding Peace in Faith During my time in jail, it became clear that God only disciplines those He loves. This is reflected in 2 Corinthians 7:10, which teaches that "God uses sorrow to help people turn away from sin." While incarcerated, I began attending church and picked up the Bible again. I devoured His Word and experienced unexplainable peace and comfort. This marked the beginning of my healing and transformation into a new person. I learned about the renewing of my mind through the grace of our Savior, Jesus. Only then did I begin to grasp the true meaning of loving myself and others. Being in jail showed me how desperately I needed Jesus and how much He wanted me to come back to Him. Chapter 7: A New Life Begins With newfound faith, I now take to heart the truth that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone, and a new life has begun (2 Corinthians 6:17). Even though I was lost and angry with God for my losses, I see in retrospect that He was always there, waiting for me to respond. Going to jail was a significant blessing, and I am grateful for it. Chapter 8: Walking Day by Day Embracing Grief and Gratitude These days, each morning is a reminder that while struggles may arise, I must remain diligent in prayer and keep an open line of communication with God. I pray daily for guidance and strength. Some days are easier than others. On tough days, I lean on Him moment by moment. By acknowledging my sadness and longing for those who have passed, I transform that grief into gratitude. I recognize the blessings they brought into my life and cherish the memories we created together. Sometimes, sorrow clouds the joy of cherished memories. In those times, I pause and find strength by recalling the joy and love we once shared. I try to turn my past losses into gratitude and appreciation. Reflecting on these moments guides me toward healing and reminds me I am not alone in these experiences. Chapter 10: Looking to Eternity My perspective has shifted dramatically. I once felt angry and wanted to be with those I lost, but now I understand they are waiting for me. I strive to be the best version of myself, first for Jesus and then for them. I envision the eternity we will share. When I feel my focus slipping, I turn to the scriptures I’ve memorized and engage in prayer. I know from experience this helps, because Jesus truly works. Nearly three years ago, I wanted to end my life. I felt hopeless trying to quit drugs. Only when I accepted I couldn't do it alone and turned to God did I find strength. My faith showed me it's all about Him. I have often pondered these things, especially in these last couple of years, separated from loved ones. Isolation gave me time to reflect on life and emotion. The answers I sought turned into self-induced therapy. Unfortunately, this involved drugs, alcohol, and a mix of madness, grief, and despair. I found myself scapegoating everyone around me, blaming anyone but myself, including God. I felt immense anger toward Him. This reminded me of Colossians 3:13: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. "For a long time, I held a grievance against God, so it felt right to express my forgiveness toward Him. Just like me, many biblical figures, such as Job and David, wrestled with their faith and questioned God in moments of deep anguish. This shared human experience reminds us that doubt and frustration are natural parts of our spiritual journey. I had already forgiven others and myself. I realized that, according to Matthew 5:23-24, when I bring a gift to the altar and recall that someone has something against me in this case, God, I needed to address it personally. Forgiving Him lifted a weight from my heart, which improved my emotional well-being. This act strengthened my relationship with Him, which I believe was His intention all along.Many have felt anger toward God. Forgiving Him can strengthen our hearts and faith. Here’s a question I asked myself: What was my life like before I met Jesus? I’ll explore this further as my journey unfolds in these words to you. Chapter 11: Before I Met Jesus and the Heartbreak at the River I was heartbroken, angry, and filled with sadness. My soul was devastated. It started when I lost my youngest brother, Tyler. I was 15; he was 8 when he drowned at the Snake River in New Plymouth, Idaho, in 1997.What was meant to be a joyous day turned to tragedy when the current swept Tyler away. Despite our desperate attempts to save him, he was lost. A search party looked for him for nearly two days. He was finally found several miles downriver. I often find myself thinking of that day, wondering what Tyler would say if we could talk now. In my mind, I imagine sitting with him under a big, open sky. 'Sissy,' he might say, 'I know you wanted to spend time with David that day. It's okay, I understand. I had so much fun, and I'll always remember the toy car.' Tears would fall as I tell him how sorry I am for not being there. He would smile, 'Sissy, don't blame yourself. I felt so loved, and nothing can change that.' This imagined conversation helps me release some of the guilt and offers me a sense of peace, knowing that deep down, love was always there. Chapter 13: Guilt and Regret He was discovered on the riverbank with barbed wire wrapped around his feet, suggesting he fought to survive but succumbed to exposure. It broke my heart to learn that undigested hot dogs were found in his stomach. His death was ruled a drowning, but I believe it was due to exposure. For many years, I carried the burden of guilt for not playing with him when he asked, “Sissy, come play with me?” I told him I would hang out with him later because I wanted to spend time with my new boyfriend, David. We ended up being together for 20 years and had children. For a long time, I was angry at myself and started self-medicating at a young age to mask the hurt. I often reflected on what I could have done to save him and felt anger at the police for how they handled the situation. They called off the search party before sunset. When they brought up his body, they said I could see him to confirm it was really him, but I was in denial. I prayed it wasn’t him they were bringing up. I remember the cops and family holding me back from running down to the river’s edge. They brought his body up covered and put him in the back of the vehicle. I screamed at them, begging to see for myself that it was my sweet baby brother, Tyler. That same day, I had given him a toy vehicle when we stopped at the store before heading to the river. What we thought would be a fun day of swimming and BBQ ended in heartbreaking tragedy for us all. Chapter 14: Sliding Into Addiction All these tragic and heartbreaking events led to my addictions. They stemmed from regret, anger, hate, sadness, and pain so bad I wanted to die. Still, I was too scared to do anything about it. Yet, in hindsight, I can see that my relapse into addiction was a trauma response. Unresolved grief and emotional pain can fuel neurobiological cravings, creating an overwhelming urge to numb oneself. I tried numbing it day in and day out with alcohol, drugs, and doing crazy things like jumping off bridges, stealing, running from cops, fighting, and arguing with loved ones. I basically tried anything to avoid what I always felt. Understanding this helps replace the shame I felt with compassion, both for myself and for others wrestling with addiction. Chapter 15: Searching for Light There were good times, too, that I had with the ones I loved. I had periods where I was fine and did fun things with my loved ones, making good memories. But the painful memories always seemed to surface and bring me down again. This was all after my brother’s death. I have been through a lot in my life: the hurt, the pain, the abuse, the self-hatred, the anger, the addictions. But let me tell you about my Jesus. He is a light so bright and beautifully intense that, as you open your heart and soul to Him, He begins to drown out all the pain, all the hurt, all the hang-ups, all the anger. Chains break. Mountains crumble. The sea parts, making a path where you once thought there was no way. If you are truly soul tired, and tired of being tired, and nothing else seems to work or only lasts for a mere moment, then please let Jesus in your heart. If you truly want change in your outlook, perspective, life, heart, soul, and thoughts, then He will make a way for you. You must surrender all your selfish ways, all your arrogant thoughts, thinking you can do it alone, when you are out of strength, out of breath, and nothing is changing. No matter how hard you struggle, strive, and persevere, if it is in your own strength...YOU WILL FAIL, every time. You say you are tired of being tired and want to be changed. You must give it all to Jesus, and really, really, in all sincerity and humility, release all your own vain efforts. Change isn't the result of willpower: it comes through God’s power. It is not based on trying; it is based on trusting Him with every single ounce of your entire life and being.

I am now engaged to be married to my best friend, in college to obtain my BA in Social Work to help others find love and life again, (JESUS) because you can't give a testimony without going through tests, and I have been through the wringer, me and my fiance have 9 beautiful grandbabies all together. The most important thing though, my relationship with Jesus is growing stronger everyday, through every test, trial and circumstance. I am grateful for my life now and so thankful Jesus has shown me how to truly love myself and others and Him the most.